My Ambivalence Towards Fanfiction

I’ve been writing fanfiction for about 5 years, but if you add up all of my absences, perhaps closer to 2.5 to 3 years.  I started writing for the love of the characters.  I knew little about creative writing at the time, at least nothing more than what I learned in my freshman and sophmore years at college.  I had no plan, I just wrote.  In retrospect, that was not a good idea XD  It was also not a good idea to start writing a novel for my first creative writing project, but that’s me, biting off more than I can chew.  Two-hundred thousand words later I’m stuck with a monster of a story that I can’t publish or really do anything with.  Two-hundred thousand is like four Great Gatsby books, which is huge.  I had no concept of how large my story was until much later.  I could probably take out about half of the story to make it less repetitive.

It’s been very hard to come back to my story because I was gone for all of 2013.  I was scared that my hip would never get fixed, and I consulted 10 of the country’s best hip preservation surgeons because my hip was an orthopedist’s nightmare.  Because of my long absences, I lost most of my readers, and I forgot my story.  About 3 years ago the scene breaks were eliminated when updated, so several of my chapters have no scene breaks, and I don’t have the mental energy to go back and look at the crap I wrote several years ago.  Since this fanfiction novel was my first creative writing endeavor, the prose changes quite a bit as you progress through the chapters.  After every chapter I post, I find myself contemplating if it’s worth it to continue this story.  I’ve learned a lot from doing so, but fanfiction is the means to an end for me.  I have stories I want to tell, and I learned a lot about writing in the process of creating my fanfiction novel.

The fandom is dying as well because the last update to the Final Fantasy VII (FFVII) series was in 2008.  I started writing for the fandom in 2009.  So there is a lackluster response compared to former years.  One of the most popular FFVII writers in 2008-2010 used to get about 50 reviews on her one shots, and she gets about 5 now.  I feel blessed that people are still reading and reviewing my story, but it’s different than it was in 2009-2011.  It’s a pretty big fandom as well, so the bar for excellence is set very high.  All of the authors that I have known and grown to love are gone, and I feel like a relic of the past.  It’s like I’m a grizzled old lion, trying to find my place in the world, and I’m remembering how things used to be, not as they are now. I look around, but all the familiar faces are gone, and I’m alone.

The other part is that I’m being stalked and bullied by someone in my fandom.    I don’t want to talk about why she hates me because she and her friend are stalking me, and will post anything I say onto someone’s profile.  No, I’m not being paranoid.  She already did this, took part of a old message of mine and posted it on a friend’s profile.  And that friend is reviewing or favoriting anyone that either was or is currently a friend of mine, which is creepy as hell.  That’s part of why I have a different username.  Her worst act to date would be the 1300 word  rant about me on her fanfiction profile, including my fanfiction pen-name, spinning lies so ridiculous that not even she could believe.  And she insulted everything from my friends to my illnesses.  Yes, she tried to shame me for having EDS and several hip surgeries.  Did I mention she did this 2 weeks before my last surgery on the other side of the country?  I made the mistake of posting my surgery date on my fanfiction profile.  I have taken screen prints of everything, but the mods of are not very responsive, and I doubt they would do anything.  She actually pulled it down because someone or several people (not associated with me) told her to pull it down XD

I have said NOTHING about her publicly on that site.  Even defending myself would make things worse because she’s bullying me and then claiming she’s the victim.   I’ve had to block her several times because she keeps making aliases to harass me.  There’s another fanfiction website called AO3, but FF7 is almost non-existent over there because it’s an old fandom.  That is just the tip of the iceberg.  This same author got into a huge fandom war with another author and nearly pushed her out of the fandom, so it’s not just me.  No, she’s not young.  She’s like 10 years older than me and is a single mom with four kids.  I know this because I was friends with her a long time ago.  I have quite a bit of dirt on her, but I would never do what she did to me.  I don’t want to be mean or hurt people.  I just want her to leave me alone and she and her friend are fixated and obsessed with me.  I don’t even understand why someone would waste so much time and energy letting themselves be consumed with hatred.  That’s their choice I guess.  Kind of a miserable existence :/

That is part of why I started this blog.  There are so many good things about fanfiction, but it comes with so much baggage, and I’m just tired of it.  I want it to go back to the way it was in 2009 when I was a bright-eyed newbie eager to share my love of FF VII characters with everyone.  I really hate fandom drama, and to be honest if I was given a chance to redo past events I don’t think I could have avoided this woman.  I have been in the FF 7 fandom a lot longer than my bully as well.  After I finish my fanfic novel, I’m probably not going to write another one.  I will probably just publish one-shots or short stories for fanfiction.  I’ll start my own novel, which will probably be fantasy.

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