Today is one of those days I want to starve myself because I’m in so much emotional pain. I’ve been in remission from anorexia for about a year and a half now. Reviewer X that I referenced in another post left a 2,000 word flame on my fanfiction story today about how I’m a narcissistic bitch who writes horribly. And he had to tell me about how my health issues are insignificant. I have not talked much about anything besides my hips on my fanfiction profile because it directly influenced how often I updated. Only he said that in 2,000 words. I blocked his other other profile in Feb, and haven’t talked to them since. I hardly know this person so I’m not even sure why they hate me so much. I’m not blocking or replying to him. I’m done with fanfiction. I’ve been there for five years, but at this point it’s not worth it. I can’t ever publish the stuff that I wrote as well. I have had issues before this with plagiarism, and it’s not worth it. I was hanging onto fanfiction by a thread and he came and annihilated me. My heart hurts so much and I just want to starve myself until I disappear. I’ve been crying for the past two hours. I can’t delete the review either, so it’s on there forever. That’s why he made another profile to do it.
I know that my writing sucks. That’s why it takes me so long to write anything. I spend so much time trying to improve, but I’m nothing like McCarthy or Faulkner, and I never will be. I could tell you more about how much I suck at writing than how I’m good at it. I feel stupid for being proud of anything I write because I’m not very good.
And I’d say the worst part about it is that my pain spikes when I’m stressed out. I will never get rid of that little voice in the back of my head that tells me I’m such a worthless piece of shit. I’ve hated myself since I can remember. Lots of suicidal thoughts. I wanted to kill myself at 8 years old and had my first bout of anorexia at 10. I hate the way that I am, and the fact that I want to starve myself. I feel like I deserve to be punished. I hate the fact that I thought I had come so far, but that someone telling me what a horrible person I am just reduces me to a blubbering mess. It hurts because there is a part of me that either knows or worries that it’s true. I talked to my sister, but none of my friends are online right now.
God have mercy on my soul. . .