Anorexia Triggers

Today is one of those days I want to starve myself because I’m in so much emotional pain.  I’ve been in remission from anorexia for about a year and a half now.  Reviewer X that I referenced in another post left a 2,000 word flame on my fanfiction story today about how I’m a narcissistic bitch who writes horribly.  And he had to tell me about how my health issues are insignificant.  I have not talked much about anything besides my hips on my fanfiction profile because it directly influenced how often I updated.  Only he said that in 2,000 words.  I blocked his other other profile in Feb, and haven’t talked to them since.  I hardly know this person so I’m not even sure why they hate me so much.  I’m not blocking or replying to him.  I’m done with fanfiction.  I’ve been there for five years, but at this point it’s not worth it.  I can’t ever publish the stuff that I wrote as well.  I have had issues before this with plagiarism, and it’s not worth it.  I was hanging onto fanfiction by a thread and he came and annihilated me.  My heart hurts so much and I just want to starve myself until I disappear.  I’ve been crying for the past two hours.  I can’t delete the review either, so it’s on there forever.  That’s why he made another profile to do it.

I know that my writing sucks.  That’s why it takes me so long to write anything.  I spend so much time trying to improve, but I’m nothing like McCarthy or Faulkner, and I never will be.  I could tell you more about how much I suck at writing than how I’m good at it.  I feel stupid for being proud of anything I write because I’m not very good.

And I’d say the worst part about it is that my pain spikes when I’m stressed out.  I will never get rid of that little voice in the back of my head that tells me I’m such a worthless piece of shit.  I’ve hated myself since I can remember.  Lots of suicidal thoughts.  I wanted to kill myself at 8 years old and had my first bout of anorexia at 10.  I hate the way that I am, and the fact that I want to starve myself.  I feel like I deserve to be punished.  I hate the fact that I thought I had come so far, but that someone telling me what a horrible person I am just reduces me to a blubbering mess.  It hurts because there is a part of me that either knows or worries that it’s true.    I talked to my sister, but none of my friends are online right now.

God have mercy on my soul. . .

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15 thoughts on “Anorexia Triggers

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I decided to leave fanfiction for good. I can’t control how I react or my self-hate, only the situations I stay in. I think what hurt most was the attack on my personality. I know my writing can improve, and my mother has done more long-term damage regarding my health issues. It’s that voice in the back of my head that says I’m worthless, and he fed that demon. I thought I had made so much progress towards loving myself, but his words just prove I haven’t, and may never be able to change my self-hating tendencies and that need to hurt myself. Thank you again :$

  1. Sounds like a bit of drama in fanfiction, I’m so sorry. You know two things…first that I totally get the self punishment & dislike and second that he is just some idiot who feels worse about himself than we do and therefore has to berate others to feel better about himself. Like who does that to someone? It’s just down right cruel. So don’t base your writing or worth on his asinine words. Take a deep breathe and know you are so far beyond him. •••hugs•••. ❤ ❤

    • Thank you dear ❤ I hadn't seen you post in a while, I hope you are doing okay :$ Yeah, there have been other issues with fanfiction. A former friend of mine plagiarized me, and then she and a friend went on a smear campaign against me. Two weeks before my surgery she posted a 1300 word rant on her profile about how I am the devil incarnate along with my friends who have done nothing.. I had said nothing about her publicly. I lost 7 pounds in two weeks. She got harassed for being cruel, so she took it down. And it wasn't me or my friends because I told them all not to contact her or her friends under any circumstance. I thought that was the worst of it, but then this guy comes along as a reminder that things can always get worse. Being told I was a narcissistic bitch just caught me off guard. And someone that I don't know having so much hate for me. It was overwhelming. My sister told me he may as well have called me a green alien because I'm not a narcissist. I've been in the fandom much longer than these people. I thought I would finish my fanfiction story to prove that they can't get me down. But what's the point? I don't have to prove anything to them. So I'll just stay in my happy corner and write original fiction. And even before this there was a huge fandom war. The people involved were friends, so I got pulled into it. I don't know, it's just a very very negative feeling. It's just not worth it anymore. . .

  2. When people talk down to you, they are essentially talking down to themselves. That guy obviously has nothing better to do. They’re making themselves a bad person. My mom always used to tell me this when I was in elementary school and got bullied. Like ambivalencegirl said, that’s just cruel to talk down to someone’s health problems. Health issues are something that you are so strong for having lived with. ❤ And these aren't just words, I have experience in my family.

    If you can't write, I don't think anyone can, let alone the dumb guy who left that comment. It's a writer's job to doubt themselves, but please, don't hurt yourself because of it. We are here for you, your friends in the blogosphere.

    – Sabrina

    • Thank you so much sabrina :$ Your kind words mean a lot to me. I was bullied in middle school pretty bad. I remember crying everyday about it. The internet has brought a whole new world of cyberbullying. Many people that have cyberbullied me are actually my age or older. My therapist told me a while ago that the way you behave on the internet is very similar to how you really are because there is nothing stopping you from being cruel and mean. Yeah, his review was pretty bad. I’ve only seen a review that bad one other time, and it blew up into a huge fandom war. He even went so far as to say that I was trying to sabotage and destroy other authors, which I’ve never done. *sigh* I’m not replying to him or blocking him. I want nothing to do with him, and he wants to make me very upset. Anyway, I didn’t just leave fanfiction because of him. There were other bullies, and someone that was stealing my story as I wrote it. It sucks the fun out of it. I love to write, so I’ll just focus on original stories for now 🙂 Well, the story is 5 years old at this point, and there is no editing, so it has a lot of problems. *shrugs* I thought I would continue it so that I could prove to everyone that they can’t stop me from doing what I love to do. But I don’t love fanfiction anymore, and certainly not that fandom. I love to write, and they won’t stop me from that. Thanks again for your kind thoughts. It means a lot to me ❤

  3. Here is what I have learned through recovery and relapse. Sometimes it takes a voice to say out loud the voice that has been sneakily growing in our minds. Sometimes we forget to guard our recovery and it takes a minute to undo things if we don’t watch carefully.

    People can be cruel because that is the choice we all have to make. Give to others or threaten to take from them. What we have to get good at is realizing those who take are the broken ones NOT us. But that’s hard to do when you start doubting your worth and it feeds the monster of our inadequacies and flaws.
    I don’t know who this guy is but it sounds to me like he is the one who is not living up to a worthy standard. So as hard as it is remember he is the broken one not you.
    And we all have room to grow in our talents. You can write and that is a gift. Keep working and you will get better. If you give up now and accept the words of broken people to define what you do it will rob the world of a beautiful thing. We would all miss out on your talent.

    Try and take a step back love and see this for what it is. An insecure man trying to tear someone down so that he doesn’t have to face the monsters living inside of himself.
    Realize you have traveled a great distance but will always have miles to go but that doesn’t mean you don’t celebrate and be proud of how far you have come. Guard your recovery with all your heart! Because to return to this living death on the words of a broken person would be a terrible tragedy! Hold steady! Cheering you on!

    • Wow, that was so beautiful and inspiring ;___; Yeah, I feel better today. I decided to leave fanfiction for now. I love to write and he won’t take that from me. But he and a few others have sucked all the joy out of fanfiction, so I’ll just pour my efforts into original fiction for now. I never thought of him as broken. Yes, I suppose if he feels the need and delights in destroying others something is wrong with him. And you are right. I shouldn’t stop writing and improving. Actually this guy isn’t a writer and has never done any creative writing. On his profile he says that by posting your work you deserve to have it torn apart if it’s bad. He also brags about how smart and how hot he is. And he brags about the hot girls he has dated. So yeah, he’s an arrogant narcissistic jerk who thinks he is God’s gift to women and fanfiction. Thank you again for your words of wisdom ❤

  4. Hang in there, there are so many disordered people, including males who are not working towards health and harmony. They are especially pervasive on the Internet. Keep up the good work, if your material was good enough to be stolen, write in a journal offline and write without holding back and one day we will see you publish something fantastic.

    • Thank you so much for the kind thoughts :$ The bullying has been going on for a while actually. . . Yeah, I have one of the most popular stories in the fandom, and the woman that plagiarized me was a former reader of mine. I even befriended her, and helped beta read her stories because her writing was really bad. No good deed goes unpunished. . . I’ve had other bullies, but none as cruel as her. She posted that horrible 1300 rant on her profile about how I was the devil incarnate, and that I was bullying her and playing the victim, which was ridiculous because I haven’t said anything about her publicly, and I kept blocking her because she made up several profiles to harass me. She did this two weeks before my hip surgery, and I lost 7 pounds. I was really upset. The worst part was that she was delusional. She was even trying to convince people I was stealing her ideas despite the fact that 80% of my story was written before she even started hers XD My best friend told me not to even defend myself and that it would be obvious to everyone who the real bully was. Sure enough she got a few messages telling her she was being mean, so she took it down XD It wasn’t from me or my friends either because I made it clear not to engage them. So these people spreading hate are just showing the world the type of people they are.

      She did the same thing to another author, but that author fought back and is not a self-hater. So every month or so there’s been a situation like this. This male reviewer I referred to was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. He simultaneously accused me of being a narcissist and then being the victim. That’s why I left. I don’t want to be a victim or anything else. I just want to write. They sucked all of the joy out of it. It wasn’t that fun to write fanfiction when I knew this woman would just rewrite my scenes and stuff them in her stories. Now that I quit fanfiction they have no power over me. I changed the e-mail to a special inbox set up for just fanfiction. I changed the passwords and gave my best friend control of my profile. So they can spew their hate and I’ll never read it, lol. On the plus side, the jump to original fiction is a scary one. Fanfiction was kind of like my safety net, and without the bullying I may not have ever made the transition. They won the battle, but I’m winning the war 😉

      • You did the right thing, I have years ahead of you in the self-hating department and I can tell you that “fighting” that type of person only brings you down to their level which is what they want. You see they hate themselves more than you hate yourself, and want a source of attention from you, a person they see value in. Keep up the good work, you are beautiful and your writing is coming from the heart. You will heal and take better care of yourself, I know you can do it. When something that looks like a negative happens, it often propels us to better things. Original fiction YOUR characters, your creation and not an extension of someone else’s work.I am sure somehow you can make what seems to be a curse into a blessing.

  5. I didn’t read this until today, and I’m sorry that I didn’t read it sooner. I hope you are feeling better. I would like to echo what the others before me have commented–you are not a narcissistic bitch. If you were, you wouldn’t be so thoughtful and insightful in all of your comments. You wouldn’t be so kind to me–this morning, when I read your comment on my post “Beast”, I couldn’t stop smiling like a dummy-your kindness made my day. So, F&*$ that person, and those like him, who are bullying you because they have nothing better to do with themselves. I still can’t believe he sat down and wrote 2,000 words about it. Like, talk about desperately seeking attention. While many of us here love you, there will always be people who will dislike you–it always happens. Wonderful people, from Natalie Portman to Maya Angelou–everyone has their haters (to put it bluntly). Hateful comments (especially in real-life) use to make me feel really bad about myself, too. So I know how you feel. But then I remember all the people who love me, and how they make me feel invincible–and I forget about the people who don’t love me. If they don’t make my life any better, they don’t deserve my attention. And those who are making you feel terrible don’t deserve yours, either. Also, about your writing–it’s beautiful. It’s you. It’s your voice. And I, among many other bloggers here, enjoy it. Everyone’s writing always needs improvement, just like any other art form. Write what you want because it makes you happy, don’t write for others. If you do, your work will be their creation instead of yours. Once again, I hope you are feeling better. 🙂

    • I left that review because you’re a great writer 😀 I love your creativity as well. I read it yesterday, but I wanted to think about it before responding. I’m glad you liked the review :$ I’m always scared I’m too critical. There’s a huge difference between constructive critique and a flame. I’m honest, but I never give a review I wouldn’t want to receive. But still, I’ve had people explode on me for something similar to the review I gave you, so I’m pretty cautious in general :$ It’s never my intent to hurt someone with a review. . . That guy who sent me the 2,000 word flame criticized me for being too harsh in reviews XD He actually flamed several other people including one of my writer friends. It wasn’t as epic of a flame, but it was still pretty mean. He’s not a writer. On his profile he brags about how smart and hot he is, and how hot his girlfriends are. I feel like the people that have to brag about that are insecure. . .

      Thank you so much for your kind thoughts :$ The trouble started when a reader of mine plagiarized my fanfic and another author’s. She was stealing it as I wrote it too, which kind of took the fun out of it >_> When I confronted her about it she exploded and she and her friends have been doing their best to destroy me since. I told my friends not to engage them because talking to them only makes it worse. I have not commented on the issue publicly like she has. I’ve been trying to ignore them. I’ve blocked several of them, but they make up new profiles to harass me, like the reviewer I referenced in the post. The negative feelings from the fandom drama seeped into my story, and it wasn’t fun to write anymore. If I still loved writing my story I would have continued, but I was barely hanging in there.

      This guy I was referencing in my post doesn’t know me at all. My friends and I aren’t even sure why he hates me this much because he’s not directly connected to the author plagiarizing me, and is in fact, friends with the other author that was plagiarized. I blocked him months ago after he flamed me (a mini one) and insulted me about my health issues, and I have a zero tolerance policy for people criticizing my health issues. I guess he doesn’t like being blocked XD But he should stop being a huge jerk if he doesn’t like to be blocked. What really hurt is that he wrote it with another profile he created so the review can never be removed from my story. On Fanfiction.net you can only remove Anon reviews. He was accusing me of things that weren’t true, trying to convince my readers I was a horrible person. Responding to these people just makes it worse, so I didn’t. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

      That’s why I have a new penname here and over on Fictionpress. I was scared they would come after me if they knew what it was. I totally agree with you. I have always written because it made me happy. I’m not writing for the readers, or for this guy who thought he was entitled to a fanfiction masterpiece. And that’s why I had to leave fanfiction, I didn’t enjoy writing my story anymore. I really wanted to complete it to prove to myself I could finish it, but it’s not worth all of this angst.

      This quote by Aristotle seemed apt here “In order to avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”–Aristotle You’re right. I just need to keep doing what makes me happy and do my best to ignore the people who hate me. It helps to hear that. I’m extremely self-critical, and I’ve improved a lot, but those demons will always be there. Yes, I agree. It doesn’t matter how good or bad a writer is, there is always room for improvement 🙂 I read an early release of one of my favorite authors Cormac McCarthy, and even he improved a lot in 40 years. Thanks again for your thoughtful comment :$ It was very sweet of you ❤ *Hugs*

      • Thanks for sharing your experience in the online writing world–even though it always hasn’t been a great one. It sounds like it’s had a negative effect on you, so it’s good that you changed your username here on wordpress. I hope you have a better experience here and I wish you the best. Keep writing xx Once again, I appreciate how you shared your past experiences. 🙂

  6. Floresypaz, I was talking with a good friend of mine, a fellow fanfic writer. And we were discussing why the world of original fiction was so much nicer. I think because the groups of original fiction are made up primarily of other writers vs. fanfiction which is primarily composed of readers. So we all know how difficult it is to put yourself out there. We also know how important feedback is, and in general, most writers give the kind of feedback they would like to receive. I posted my short story, “A Crown of Dandelions,” over in a writing critique group, and someone really disliked it. But they weren’t mean about it. They were expressing their opinion honestly without being a jerk, which is a big difference from writing a 2,000 word review of hate. The only people that have ever flamed me were not writers.

    And the fanfiction world is transitioning from fanfiction.net (where all this fandom drama happened) to Archive of Our Own. FF.net has basically no moderators, so plagiarism and bullying go unchecked. There are no consequences. And you can’t remove reviews unless they are anonymous. It’s very easy to create a new profile too, so as soon as they were blocked, they would make a new one to harass me. Archive of Our Own is becoming much more popular with the newer fandoms because their moderators are great, but Final Fantasy VII was a very old fandom, so the bulk of stories were written before Archive of Our Own was even created. If I ever write fanfiction again, I’ll jump over to Archive of Our Own. Maybe with a 3rd username XD

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