The Significance of my Pen-name

butterfly

 

I think most people following this blog know that I came from fanfiction and created a new pen-name for my original fiction.  I started creative writing five years ago when my health deteriorated.  I found fanfiction, and it opened up a new world for me.  When I started this blog I had the intention of doing both, but after the last attack (a 2,000 word review attacking me, my writing, and my health) I decided to leave.   It shattered my heart, and the urge to starve myself was so strong.  I’m a former anorexic, and I’ve been in remission for two years.  When I’m in really toxic situations, my demons resurface, and I start starving myself to cope.  That’s when I knew I had to leave.   It wasn’t just that attack.  I have been bullied for months by another fanfic author (Writer X) and her friends.  They had been doing whatever they could to destroy me, usually carrying out public attacks to try to convince their readers and mine that I was a horrible and evil person.  She doesn’t like me because she plagiarized my story and another author’s, and I told her that wasn’t nice.  Despite ignoring them (I never said anything about these people publicly), their hate and obsession escalated.  I lost seven pounds in the attack before the last one, and I’m already underweight.

I had spent five years in that fandom, much longer than Writer X and her friends, and I had one of the most popular stories of my pairing.  So much of my identity was tied to my old pen-name and stories.  It felt like my world was ending when Writer X and her friends carried out their multiple attacks.  I have cried so many tears over this fandom drama in the past few months, and the negative energy seeped into my stories.  It felt like pulling teeth to write each one.  I had to start over in original fiction, but I’m glad that I did because I’m really enjoying it.  I had been wanting to write original fiction for a while, but it was uncharted territory, and I was kind of scared to fail.  I don’t know that I would have made the jump to original fiction if I wasn’t pushed out of my fandom, so something very good came out of this fandom drama.  I feel like that caterpillar who thought the world was ending, but I turned into a butterfly 🙂  Now, the sky is the limit!

My last pen-name was pretty cute actually.  I’m not sure how I come across on this blog, but I’m usually a very cheerful, happy, and talkative person.  I love to laugh as well, and I feel like my old pen-name reflected that.  I guess “The Paper Butterfly” is a bit cute too.  I picked it for a few reasons.  I feel like in the past five years I have undergone a metamorphosis.  Not only has my writing changed considerably, but I have grown a lot as a person through my health issues and the friends I made.  Also, butterflies are fragile, and I am fragile emotionally and physically.  My body is held together by defective collagen because I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.  I have become much stronger as a person and a writer, but I will never completely get rid of the perpetual self-hate.  Although I keep trying.  So yeah, it feels kind of weird because my close friends that I made from fanfic refer to me as an abbreviation of my old pen-name XD  I’m going by Butterfly now.  It feels kind of weird, but I’ll get used to it over time 🙂

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11 thoughts on “The Significance of my Pen-name

  1. Wow, what a difficult story. Thank you for sharing. That sounds awful, I can’t believe anyone would be like that. Jealous, probably. But I am glad you are through it and doing better now! I like your new name too 🙂

  2. Thanks Victoria 🙂 Yeah, I”m doing okay now. My friends and I haven’t seen anything this bad before. I don’t regret fanfiction because I learned so much. But I do regret not leaving sooner. It’s hard to find a good pen-name. I love yours as well 😀 I feel like a lot of writers like coffee XD

    • I think when bad things happen it can be a time of growth. I certainly don’t want a repeat of this incident, but it has made me a stronger person. I’d much rather be happy, so I’m glad I removed myself from that situation 🙂 I didn’t want to be the victim or attacker, which is another reason I left. I like being a butterfly :3

      • Definitely agree there is much growth in hard times. And glad that you removed yourself from that situation and that it has made you stronger. Wise decision and good perspective.

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I’m glad to see you’ve come out of this stronger and with higher convictions than those people who blatantly bullied you.

    • It’s definitely been hard. And I’d be lying if I said I did nothing wrong to contribute to this mess. Writer X and I used to be friends actually. She was a reader of mine, and fell in love with my story. I helped her write in the beginning, which she later used against me. No good deed goes unpunished, eh? But Writer X just exploded. She did this to another author actually, but that other author was much more popular than me and Writer X so she won. She fought back whereas I didn’t. So Writer X and her friends just annihilated me. She’s 40 years old and has 4 kids too, so you would think she’d be more mature than this. I should have left sooner. I thought if I ignored it then it would go away, but they are really obsessed. Something is not right with her, either that or she’s really cruel and vindictive. A friend of mine has been in several different fandoms over 7 years and she’s never seen a case of cyberbullying this bad. They are still leaving me hateful messages and reviews even after I’m gone. I’m not blocking or responding at this point. It’s just a waste of my time, and besides, It just shows the world the kind of person she is.

  4. Your post reminds me of another quote, one that says “without change, there wouldn’t be any butterflies” (i tried to find the author but couldn’t /:). I’m glad you’re changing into the person you want to be. It’s a wonderful feeling. I also hope you continue to feel even stronger as a person and as a writer. Now that I understand the history of your WP name, I really get it now and I think it’s wonderful. It really captures who you are and your blog. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your growth 🙂

    • You always leave me such lovely comments :$ I wouldn’t say I’m happy or even glad for the negative experiences I’ve had in life, but they have resulted in a lot of emotional growth and good things. I think part of what makes us who we are is how we deal with the negative experiences we are dealt. Yes, I really had to stop and think about my reasons for writing after this. I think on some level I was writing my fanfiction story for the readers because the past few months I was not happy writing it. I kept doing it thinking it might get better, but the drama got worse, and I realized I didn’t need to do it anymore. My friend is managing the account for me and filtering through reviews and messages currently because I’m still too emotional about it. After being gone for a few months I’ll realize it was an insignificant event, much like high school was 🙂

    • Thank you ❤ I had somehow unfollowed you and 3 other people :$ I was wondering why I wasn't seeing your posts. I'm doing better. My friend is filtering through everything for me, and that's helping 🙂 Trying to block out the negative emotions with positive ones. Easier said than done!

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