Weekend Warriors #5

wewriwa

So another weekend of Weekend Writing Warriors.  Writers post 8 lines from a current or past story of theirs.  Here is the link for those that would like to join: http://www.wewriwa.com/

If you’d like to know how the story from last week ends (the mother grieving over her son’s death), and why I’m not posting the rest of it, there is an explanation after this snippet.

Back to my fantasy story then XD  The context of this piece is that Cloud is semi-comatose and having delusions.  He has the cells of an alien, Jenova, implanted in his body, so she’s taken over his mind and erased his memory.  So Cloud starts to take on Zack’s identity.  In reality, Cloud wasn’t good enough to get into the SOLDIER program like Zack.  In the actual story the POV shifts back and forth from Zack to Cloud to show how he is distorting reality, but that would get way too confusing posting in snippets, so I’ll just post Cloud’s.  It kind of stands alone as a mini story.  Zack’s POV comes immediately before this snippet and I’ll post links to those: Writing Snippet #1,  Writing Snippet #2

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Cloaked in the cover of midnight, the demons gave chase, soaring through the air like honed missiles of destruction, their black wings fluttering violently in the wind.  Fugitives from hell, they came to seek vengeance on those that had imprisoned them.  In preparation for the onslaught, the angels bestowed upon Cloud the key to heaven.  No one would think to find a divine artifact on a scrawny little nobody.  They sealed it inside his heart and cast him out of the heavens, his secret redeemable at the end of time. 

As a SOLDIER it wasn’t his job to know the details, just do as he was told.  To aid him on his journey, he was given a guardian angel named Zack, a statuesque man possessing the grace of a deity, every step filled with purpose.  He had a mess of black hair and eyes that possessed a certain sense of tranquility, like a clear mountain lake in the winter, frozen over but teeming with life fathoms below.  

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SPOILER ALERT FOR LAST WEEK’S STORY

Long story short, I can’t post snippets of my short stories anymore 😦  It’s actually not as big of a deal with novels, because the finished product is often very different from the final one.  Basically posting my short stories online makes them ineligible for the majority of literary magazines :/  For those that are curious about how the short story from last week ends, the letters were from a little girl who was the recipient of her son’s heart.  His mother donated them after he died.  They kept in contact throughout the years, and in a way her son lives through her.  I researched it, and yes, if both parties agree to it, there is a way they can get the address of the donor and recipient’s family.  I may do a second part where she meets the little girl and then is finally able to move on.  Anyway. . .

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34 thoughts on “Weekend Warriors #5

  1. I like it! Very descriptive.
    I’d love it if you did a second part! Even if I couldn’t read it, I’d even buy a copy of the literary magazine. But then if you wrote it, you would take away the ambiguity of the end of the story (I think I read the entire thing before, when you’d posted it). Great 8!

    • If you message me at thepaperbutterfly@yahoo.com I can send it to you if I do a second part. I know how it’s going to end too XD Funny that endings are just coming to me now because usually they don’t. I think I might write a second part. It would also make the story less depressing. I’m worried it’s too depressing for literary magazines. Some of them specify that they don’t want that :$ I can post it online after publication, but it will take a while to get accepted.

      Glad you enjoyed the snippet :3 I had a fun time writing it. It was supposed to be more abstract, but it came out differently. I liked the way that it showed Cloud’s perception of Zack and the world. Cloud is a notorious self-hater and an introvert. Maybe I’ll write a fantasy short story similar to this.

  2. Perhaps because I’m reading this out of context, the snippet really didn’t grab my attention the way it might have. It’s not that I found any flaw in the writing, just didn’t grab me as it is. In the context of the larger story I might have liked it just fine, though. Your story seems to have some interesting ideas in it. Keep on writing!

    • Thank you for your honesty 🙂 Yeah, I was worried it wouldn’t stand very well on it’s own. It’s in chapter 30 as well, so all the symbolism and nuances are lost if you don’t know the backstory. I wasn’t really aiming to hook readers with this because the start of the chapter is from Zack’s perspective which was more of a hook. My short stories have more of a hook because if there isn’t no one will even read it, you know? I wrote it recently so it’s hard to be objective. I might end up shortening it later.

  3. I love this part, especially:

    “In preparation for the onslaught, the angels bestowed upon Cloud the key to heaven. No one would think to find a divine artifact on a scrawny little nobody. They sealed it inside his heart and cast him out of the heavens, his secret redeemable at the end of time.”

    Thank you for posting your writing.

    • Thank you so much for the comment ^_^ That part took a while to write XD I had something really sappy and melodramatic at first, and a friend of mine helped me tone it down :$ I can share snippets of my writing, just not from any of short stories 😦 Well, I can after they get published. More like if they get published XD The key is symbolic of his ability to save the world. Cloud definitely has self-hating tendencies though :$

      • You know, I almost wrote something to the effect that the way you understated that part made it all the more powerful. But I thought, nah, what do I know. 😉

        This has been a real learning experience. Thank you again.

  4. Ah, spoiler alert! I’d still read the story if it were published though.

    The description in your snippet is amazing! Lots of good vocabulary and it describes everything nicely without being over-descriptive. In just eight lines we have some knowledge about what is going on and are interested in what is to come. Nice job! Looking forward to more soon 🙂

    • Ah okay, I didn’t stop to think other people would want to read the story :$ I’ll put a spoiler alert above it. Oh, this snippet is actually not reality XD Cloud is semi-comatose, so it’s like his delusions. His reality and nightmares kind of blur together, but it’s his perspective. Zack and Cloud are being hunted down, so the demons he is imagining are kind of like a manifestation of the people that are chasing him down. And the devil (which appears soon) represents the mad scientist that experimented on him and tortured him and Zack for 4 years. I tried to convey Cloud’s personality in this. He always feels like he isn’t good enough. And even though the alien, Jenova, took over his mind, Cloud still remembers Zack as his protector and savior. They are such good friends that he held on to that scrap of memory even after his mind was unraveled by Jenova. Uh, anyway. . . I’m glad it wasn’t over-descriptive. I have that tendency XD Thanks for the comment ^^

  5. Hi, PB. Good snippet.You have wonderful descriptive writing skills. I really like this part: “In preparation for the onslaught, the angels bestowed upon Cloud the key to heaven. No one would think to find a divine artifact on a scrawny little nobody. They sealed it inside his heart and cast him out of the heavens, his secret redeemable at the end of time.”

    In the rest of the snippet, two things jumped out at me. The word “fluttering”–even with “violently” behind it, feels out of place. Maybe it’s just me. In my mind, gentle things flutter, not demon fugitives from hell.

    And this sentence: “He had a mess of black hair and eyes that possessed…” When I was reading it, I got a visual of multiple sets of eyes– a mess of eyes. Might just be a punctuation fix. Or you might have to rewrite it. Then again, maybe I’m the only one who reads it that way?

    • Ah okay, I didn’t even realize that XD You’re right, fluttering isn’t generally associated with demons. I’ll try to find something else for that 🙂 Maybe you’re interpreting it as a mess of eyes because you’re reading it like a series? It was meant to be “a mess of black hair” and “eyes” The “mess” only applies to the hair. Like if I said, I love chocolate covered candy, bacon, and marshmallows. In this instance “chocolate covered” would apply to “candy,” “bacon,” and “marshmallows.” If i said I love chocolate covered candy and ham, it isn’t really a series, at least I don’t think it is. But I see how that can get confusing. The problem is I can’t just switch the order of eyes and hair because I go on to a lengthy description about the eyes. I’ll think about it and see if I can fix it. Even one person envisioning a “mess of eyes” is too many XD Thank you for your helpful comments 😀

  6. Didn’t quite grab me though the imagery was interesting. Snippets are difficult to get people’s attention though so I’m still neutral about the story.

    I had to do a quick search through your blog to get info about this before I could make my comment. Final Fantasy VII was the very first Playstation game I ever played. I never finished it because I set my save point in the wrong place before the final battle so my health was never good enough to win and soon after I got distracted (probably by FFVIII hehehe). When I first read your snippet I was worried you were stealing but after a search I discovered otherwise. Whew! I was so happy. I enjoy reading fanfiction (so long as it doesn’t get all yaoi etc) probably because I used to write some. Most of my fanfiction was for the videogame The Bouncer though.

    Anyway, interesting take on Cloud’s situation. I’d love to hear about Aeris and Tifa in the future. 😉

    • Yep, it’s a fanfic I wrote under another pen-name XD I can’t ever publish it for that reason :$ Oh, that’s cool you did fanfic :3 Were you on Fanfiction.net or Archive of Our Own? I ended up leaving because I was bullied pretty bad. I’d been working on my story on and off for five years. I had like 15 reviews per chapter. But the situation was really toxic, and I was at risk of starving myself. I actually wasn’t that fond of Final Fantasy VII until I played the prequel, Crisis Core. I fell in love with Zack, and I started writing fanfiction 🙂

      Yeah, I was unsure of how well this segment would stand on it’s own :/ Guess it doesn’t XD I wasn’t really trying to hook readers with it. And a lot of the meaning is lost without the back-story. So yeah, I guess it’s an example of my prose more than anything else.

      Oh, my story is all about Zack and Cloud XD There are flashbacks in the story that involve Zack and Aerith, but I wrote them a while ago so it’s really bad XD I wrote a few one shots for Final Fantasy VII. I wrote a Cloud/Tifa one-shot that has some interesting snippets. I was posting snippets of my original fiction, but then I found out it’s much more difficult to get published in a literary magazine if you do that 😦

  7. Ah the word choice of fluttering…I think a lot of people think of fluttering as little butterfly movements, because that is used so often, but fluttering can also be erratic quick movement. So, it didn’t bother me. I think of flags snapping in the wind as a fluttering motion as well. I liked this piece. Nicely done.

  8. There’s so much interesting stuff going on in this snippet I don’t know where to start. Very intriguing. I didn’t get caught on the “mess of eyes” issue, though I could see how it might happen. I was too taken with the image of the frozen lake, life teeming beneath the ice. Very nice.

    • Yes, when I looked over it after Theresa told me about the “mess of eyes” I reread it and saw what she meant XD I’ll see if I can rephrase it. Glad you liked the eye description ^^ It’s so hard to be descriptive about eyes without making it awkward. Glad you enjoyed it 😀 Thanks so much for the lovely comment ^^

  9. Thanks for giving an ending to last week’s snippet. Good luck with your magazine submissions.

    This week’s snippet was interesting. I went back and read the other 2 pieces so I’d be up to speed. Fantasy isn’t normally my thing, but I liked the feeling you were able to portray and your use of descriptions.

    • Yeah, I don’t read a lot of fantasy either. . . Not sure why I enjoy writing it XD I guess I write literature and fantasy. My short stories tend to be literature, and I think part of that is because it’s very difficult to introduce readers to a whole new fantasy world in about 5,000 words or less. Thanks for the lovely comment 😀

  10. This piece has such beautiful imagery. I liked, “eyes that possessed a certain sense of tranquility…frozen over but teeming with life fathoms below.” 🙂

    • I’m glad the line about the eyes came out okay. It’s really easy to make descriptive lines about eyes awkward :$ I was trying to convey the fact that he has a cold exterior, but he’s a really nice guy once you get past that. Actually Zack is a nice guy, but this is Cloud’s perception of him, which is a bit different. Zack was Cloud’s superior in the infantry. Glad you enjoyed it ^_^

      • Oooh, I see what you mean! Yeah, that’s what I got from that line, that he is cool and distant at first but then there is so much more that Cloud won’t know about yet. Like he’s only getting the tip of the iceberg at first. 🙂 And of course, I appreciate and enjoy your writings! 🙂

    • Thank you so much for the kind words :$ You’re right about the repeated use of heaven. I didn’t even notice that till you pointed it out XD It’s too much repetition in only a few lines. I’ll reword it. I wasn’t sure how well this piece would stand by itself, and without the accompanying back-story. I liked the way the prose came out though :$ Glad you enjoyed it too ^^

  11. I loved all the imagery in your snippet. You’re really good with description. Man, I didn’t even think if I post online that short stories may not be eligible for online magazines (even if it’s just a rough draft and will be polished later). Thanks for the head up. That sucks because I wanted to submit One Missed Call somewhere.

    • I made a list of literary magazines that either state online blog posting is okay or didn’t say it wasn’t. I pulled down my stories for the literary magazines that don’t exclude blog published stories. I won’t submit my 2 short stories to any magazine that specifically exclude blog published stories. I made a list of magazines that will take them: https://thepaperbutterfly.wordpress.com/2014/07/24/list-of-literary-magazines-accepting-blog-published-fiction/

      As you can see I found quite a bit 🙂 Hope that helps! Yeah, I didn’t know either. . . You can publish your stories on literary critique sites that only let members with an ID and password access the stories because the internet can’t cache it aka there is no trace of it online. I just started at Critique Circle, and I really like it. If you are interested, here is their website: http://www.critiquecircle.com/ Lots of good writers there ^^ My name is Bunny9 over there. They only allow short pen names XD

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