Hanging Onto the Past

Today I completely deleted my fanfiction profile, stories, favorite authors, avatar, pen-name, etc.  A month ago I decided not to go back and look at it, but Friend A did (I changed my password to give her access), and so I kind of convinced her to share.  Things got worse in the last month.  Having a bunch of people tell me what a horrible person I am still hurts.  I even got an Author’s Note dedicated to me.  It doesn’t hurt as much as it did a month ago, but the wound isn’t fully healed at this point.  I started crying again.  I kept my story up because I didn’t want to punish my readers, but the people bullying me were turning it into an effigy of hate.  I didn’t respond or block any of them.   My old fanfic profile had become so much of my identity, it felt almost like I was killing off my old persona.   It needed to be done so I could fully move on.  Before doing so I saved all of my stories in case I want to look at them in the future.  I’m endlessly amused by how bad I used to write XD  I’ll include another excerpt of my writing from five years ago.  I’m not even sure what POV I was attempting, but it appears I was head-hopping.

No sooner had the children crawled back to their spots that Cloud spoke. In a much louder voice then they’d heard him use previously, he moaned, “Zaaaacccckkk. ”

A hushed silence spread over the children as they all looked at each other in confusion. No one seemed sure of what to do. This was the first real word they had heard him say. All he could manage previously were a bunch of incoherent mumbles. Lilleas broke the silence, suggesting, “Maybe it’s his name.” She crawled over to Cloud and noticed a purplish tinge to his lips. As she placed her hand on his cheek she noticed how cold he felt, like there was ice coursing through his veins. Cloud could feel the warmth of her hand, and it reminded him of Zack’s affectionate warmth. Cloud turned his face towards her hand, but he knew the hand didn’t belong to Zack. Her hand was delicate and small with soft skin, while Zack’s hand was much larger and callused with rough skin.

His response to her gentle touch, and the relaxed expression on his face, reminded her of her little sister back home. Her heart went out to him.

It reminded me of the fact that I cling onto the past.  I should have left fanfiction and deleted my profile months ago.  I kept thinking that maybe if I didn’t respond it would get better, but it didn’t.  Maybe I was scared to fully let go.  The drama kept getting worse even though I was gone.  I got a few messages from people asking me why I left, but I didn’t want to respond to them.  They can all have each other.   I want nothing more to do with that fandom.  They even created a new profile to get me to give up my new pen-name.  I’m glad I didn’t give it to them.  I didn’t give it to anyone that wasn’t a close friend.

I hope someday I can look back on fanfiction and remember the good times.  Right now the freshest memories are the painful ones.  I learned a lot about writing in the process, and made several close friends, including Friend A.  The fandom drama is what pushed me into original fiction because I didn’t have another fandom.  I don’t regret participating in fanfiction.  Perhaps it’s a bit ironic that I just wrote a post about how I can write about death and abuse without crying, but being told I’m a horrible person sends me spiraling downwards.  I guess I wear my feelings on my sleeve.

I have one snippet of my suicide story left to finish.  Maybe I can channel this angst into something productive.

5 thoughts on “Hanging Onto the Past

  1. I hang on to the past a lot, too. I’m so happy that you finally decided to put an end to this and deleted your fanfiction profile. That must have taken a lot of effort. 😀 As for your excerpt, it was good, except for the repeated use of words. I am glad that you took that step, though! 😀 Personally, if someone did that to ME, I would have been furious and depressed. Once, a friend harshly critiqued a WIP–it was meant to be a friendly thing–but I was so crushed I didn’t write for the next few days (this was during NaNoWriMo) and my word-count plummeted. So I commend you! You did good 🙂

  2. Thanks for the supportive comment 🙂 Oh, it wasn’t so much about them saying my writing sucked. I got over that. . . Only one guy said that, the one that left me a 2,000 word flame a month and a half ago. It was their persistent attempts to drag me through the mud, tarnish my name, accuse me of bullying and pushing others out of the fandom (I’m the only one so far that has said nothing publicly on the matter and deleted my whole profile which just makes that statement WTF.), carry the fight into their profiles and my stories, tell me I liked drama and that I was a horrible person, call me both a narcissist and an eternal victim, shame my illness, call me childish for blocking them and yet it’s okay for them to create multiple profiles to harass me. It was really over the top, and I’ve never seen anything quite that bad.

    I was betrayed by a lot of people, and that hurt as well. I still maintain I didn’t bully anyone. They were delusional, and nothing I could do would change it. I changed my penname so the link to my profile changed as well XD They can’t even find me anymore. They wanted to stalk me even after I left. I’m going to have to use a pseudonym to publish because one of them knows my real name. I’m 99% sure she would make up several identities to flame the hell out of anything I publish. That sounds a bit crazy, but their level of obsession and hatred with me is enough to do it. Anyway, yeah deleting it was the right thing!

    I don’t know, the excerpt sounds pretty bad to me XD It’s got way too much info. I was stating what was already implied, lol. I need some funny cat videos XD My go to thing when I need cheering up :3 I also give my cats tuna on a bad day. I figure someone should be happy X3

  3. I’m glad you were able to take a huge step by deleting your profile. I’m sure it’s all for the best. Most of the negativity was coming from it and now it’s gone. Great job. 🙂 You shouldn’t feel the need to respond to them, especially because you feel uncomfortable doing so. This next chapter in your life is going to be a great one 🙂 I can feel it.

    • I just saw this today! It went into my spam folder :/ Yes, deleting everything was the best thing to do. You can’t really delete your profile. I just deleted my stories and changed my pen name, which changes the URL so people can’t find me. They were contacting my friends as well because I wasn’t responding. Actually, after I announced I was leaving on my profile (without going into the drama) they got really pissed off XD Now my page is blank and all my stories are gone so they can’t reach me. That’s the worst thing you can do to a bully, ignore them and move on with your life. Responding to them is what makes them happy. The flamer that made up another profile to write that 2,000 word flame finished it off by saying something like, “If anyone wants to contact me, please PM _________.” He gave the name of his first profile. I didn’t contact him, and like I said, that’s when they got super upset. After I left, I got messages telling me that I loved drama, etc, which is so ridiculous XD I’m the one that has kept everything private. In a few months I think I’ll be able to laugh at this because from an objective viewpoint it’s entertaining, watching this group of bullies gang up me, dedicate their lives to destroying me, messaging my friends so that they can TALK LIKE ADULTS (that’s how they phrased it), blame me for the drama, and call me the bully. I got a few messages from readers of my story that were upset about this and was sad I wasn’t continuing my story. But I had to do what was best for me, and that meant fully removing myself from the situation. It allowed me to finally move on into the next chapter of my life 🙂

      • I’m glad you found it! I’ve been having trouble posting on blogs–my comments won’t show up for some reason. Also, I’m so happy to hear that you are looking at this experience and not taking any of their nonsense personally. There is a saying that when you have haters, you know you are doing something right! These people don’t have anything better to do with their time and instead hate on you. If anything they’re the ones creating the drama in the first place, haha. And about letting them know about where you can be reached–you shouldn’t have to worry about that, as you yourself have realized. They can’t obligate you to do anything you don’t want to, and if you felt uncomfortable with that, you don’t do it. I’m proud of you 🙂

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