Today I completely deleted my fanfiction profile, stories, favorite authors, avatar, pen-name, etc. A month ago I decided not to go back and look at it, but Friend A did (I changed my password to give her access), and so I kind of convinced her to share. Things got worse in the last month. Having a bunch of people tell me what a horrible person I am still hurts. I even got an Author’s Note dedicated to me. It doesn’t hurt as much as it did a month ago, but the wound isn’t fully healed at this point. I started crying again. I kept my story up because I didn’t want to punish my readers, but the people bullying me were turning it into an effigy of hate. I didn’t respond or block any of them. My old fanfic profile had become so much of my identity, it felt almost like I was killing off my old persona. It needed to be done so I could fully move on. Before doing so I saved all of my stories in case I want to look at them in the future. I’m endlessly amused by how bad I used to write XD I’ll include another excerpt of my writing from five years ago. I’m not even sure what POV I was attempting, but it appears I was head-hopping.
No sooner had the children crawled back to their spots that Cloud spoke. In a much louder voice then they’d heard him use previously, he moaned, “Zaaaacccckkk. ”
A hushed silence spread over the children as they all looked at each other in confusion. No one seemed sure of what to do. This was the first real word they had heard him say. All he could manage previously were a bunch of incoherent mumbles. Lilleas broke the silence, suggesting, “Maybe it’s his name.” She crawled over to Cloud and noticed a purplish tinge to his lips. As she placed her hand on his cheek she noticed how cold he felt, like there was ice coursing through his veins. Cloud could feel the warmth of her hand, and it reminded him of Zack’s affectionate warmth. Cloud turned his face towards her hand, but he knew the hand didn’t belong to Zack. Her hand was delicate and small with soft skin, while Zack’s hand was much larger and callused with rough skin.
His response to her gentle touch, and the relaxed expression on his face, reminded her of her little sister back home. Her heart went out to him.
It reminded me of the fact that I cling onto the past. I should have left fanfiction and deleted my profile months ago. I kept thinking that maybe if I didn’t respond it would get better, but it didn’t. Maybe I was scared to fully let go. The drama kept getting worse even though I was gone. I got a few messages from people asking me why I left, but I didn’t want to respond to them. They can all have each other. I want nothing more to do with that fandom. They even created a new profile to get me to give up my new pen-name. I’m glad I didn’t give it to them. I didn’t give it to anyone that wasn’t a close friend.
I hope someday I can look back on fanfiction and remember the good times. Right now the freshest memories are the painful ones. I learned a lot about writing in the process, and made several close friends, including Friend A. The fandom drama is what pushed me into original fiction because I didn’t have another fandom. I don’t regret participating in fanfiction. Perhaps it’s a bit ironic that I just wrote a post about how I can write about death and abuse without crying, but being told I’m a horrible person sends me spiraling downwards. I guess I wear my feelings on my sleeve.
I have one snippet of my suicide story left to finish. Maybe I can channel this angst into something productive.