Weekend Warriors #7

wewriwa

This weekend I’m participating in a blog hop known as Weekend Writing Warriors.  A bunch of writers share 8 sentences from a story they are writing or have written.  If you would like to participate, here is the link: http://www.wewriwa.com/

This is a continuation of last week’s snippet with an alien, Jenova, trying to take control of Zack, and he’s trying to remember his name.  Also, in this snippet “this task,” refers to “writing his name on the wall.”  This snippet immediately proceeds last week’s snippet, which ended with him pretending to write his name on the wall.  He’s not actually writing anything because he doesn’t have a pen or marker.  Instead he’s just using his finger to trace his name.  I hope that makes sense 🙂  

***

Over the next few days this task became increasingly difficult until one day there was nothing, not even an afterthought of the man he used to be.  The cracks had become too apparent, and without a name to hold him together, the pieces were falling apart.

As desperation set in, his heart started pounding, and he struggled to breathe, each ragged breath taking all of his energy.  The world around him became fuzzy, and [Jenova’s] voice suddenly changed, mimicking the soothing tone a mother uses to sing a lullaby.  He drowned in her essence, and the corners of his vision began to darken. He opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out. Peace washed over him, a calm that he had never known before. The last thing he remembered before passing out was that she sounded familiar now, like his mother but without the warmth.

Advertisements

30 thoughts on “Weekend Warriors #7

  1. I love your prose. ❤ It's just brilliant. I think it's better than John Gardner's, and his was pretty brilliant.

    I'm just wondering what "this task" refers to? I love the characterization and everything else, though! 😀 "Like a mother, but without the warmth"… reminds me of quite a few characters of my own. 😉 BUT YOUR DESCRIPTIONS ARE AMAZING, PAPER (can I call you Paper? Or would Butterfly be better? Or Paper Butterfly??). You're going to win a Newberry Medal, I can tell you that much. WRITE A NOVEL. OR A BOOK OF SHORT STORIES. AND GET IT PUBLISHED.

    • You’re too kind :$ I still have quite a few things to work on XD Gardner’s prose is both poetic and not poetic if that makes any sense XD I’m not really sure how to describe it. Gardner’s style is different than McCarthy’s, but beautiful in its own way 🙂 I’ll probably start a novel next year. My issue isn’t prose (although I still struggle with that) so much as it is everything else, pacing, dialogue, plot, etc. I’m also working hard on trimming my writing so unnecessary words don’t bog down the story. Maybe I’ll get lucky and one of my short stories will get published 8D

      Oh, the task refers to writing his name on the wall XD I didn’t say it because it was in the last snippet, and in the story they are together in the same paragraph. I’ll put it in the Author’s note because I can see how that would be confusing. I tried to put it in the sentence marked off with brackets, but it interrupted the flow.

      I go by Butterfly 🙂 Yeah, Paper would sound kind of funny XD

    • That’s an interesting point. I didn’t think of it like that, but in a way Amnesia is kind of like a death of the mind, especially if you never get your memories back. Part of who we are as people are the memories we’ve had. It would be scary to one day have nothing in your mind about the person you were. Thanks for the comment 🙂

    • The next scene more or less clears up whether she’s real or not XD I didn’t stop to think whether it could be interpreted as purely a delusion. I mean, it’s not uncommon in solitary confinement to lose your sanity.

      I think you are referring to filter words? I’ve only recently become aware of it. I abuse those a lot :$ I’ll see if I can eliminate some of them here. Thanks for the comment 🙂

  2. Wow, this was intense. Really beautiful writing and a compelling description of what’s going on with this poor guy.

    • Yeah, amnesia and mental illness are difficult things to deal with. It’s very different than physical illness. This character is so strong that I wanted to break him, and show how his friend helps him recover. Thanks for the comment 🙂

    • Yeah, if he wasn’t in solitary confinement and had his friend with him, he would be okay. He’s a very social and extroverted character, so the isolation proves too much for his psyche and he broke 😦 Needless to say, after writing this scene, Zack didn’t want to work with me for the rest of this chapter XD

  3. Really good immediacy, I felt right there deep in the moment with him. The writing is evocative and clear. My only suggestion is the use of mother twice once ‘mimicking the soothing tone a mother uses to sing a lullaby’ which is general and the second time very powerful and specific ‘was that she sounded familiar now, like his mother but without the warmth’ I would suggest changing the first and keeping the second. That adds more power to the second one, the first could be a friend, a welcoming woman, anything homely and safe . Just a thought.
    It’s great writing. I love your voice and the depth you reach! Genuinely looking forward to reading some more!

  4. Pingback: Commentition: The September 2014 Edition | I Read Encyclopedias for Fun

  5. Pingback: Weekend Writing Warriors #8 | The Paper Butterfly

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s