Weekend Writing Warriors #9

wewriwa

This weekend I’m participating in a blog hop known as Weekend Writing Warriors.  A bunch of writers share 8 sentences from a story they are writing or have written.  If you would like to participate, here is the link: http://www.wewriwa.com/

This snippet takes place a long time after the snippets I previously posted about Zack and Cloud’s escape from the lab.  Without giving everything away, a series of traumatic events shatter Cloud’s psyche.  His friend and eventual girlfriend, Tifa, helps put him back together, but he’s not the same.

XXX

The alarm pierced through the chill morning air. Bleary-eyed, she reached out, fingers fumbling until she found the snooze button. With a sigh, she slipped back into her warm blanket cocoon.  Cloud slung an arm over her stomach and pulled her close, as if he was scared she was going to slip through his fingers like everyone else in his life. She squeezed his hand in reassurance.

The scent of mako permeated the room, a sharp metallic tang that overpowered the essence of cherry blossoms and magnolia diffusing from the air freshener.  Years after the experiments, mako still coursed through his veins, imparting an unnatural glow to his skin, and it seeped through his pores, clinging to the air like the smell of wet earth after a storm.  Even now it evoked painful memories, thoughts she tried to bury under the guise of a happy housewife, but if one looked closer they could see the crack in her smile.

XXX

The next part goes into a bit more detail about why she hates the smell of Mako.  Also, I know this opening is a cliche XD  I wrote it a long time ago before I knew that you can’t start a story with the character waking up, so yeah, it is what it is I suppose :$

I haven’t participated in a while because work has been crazy.  It’s been about two months since I have written or read anything, so I’m a bit rusty.  Things have settled down a bit, so I’m trying to get back into it again 🙂

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12 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors #9

  1. I loved the description of mako floating around the room. I also enjoyed the affections they share under the covers and how he thinks she’ll slip from his grip. Nice to see you on W.W.W. again. Work can be tough at times. School has kept me from participating more than once.

    • Glad you enjoyed it ^^ The mako is a constant reminder to both of them of a past they keep trying to escape. Yeah, I was unemployed for 3 years after graduating pharmacy school, so I had a lot more time on my hands! I’m hoping in the future I can work part time so I can devote more time to writing 🙂 Things are settling down though so I have more mental energy to use on other things, like writing 😀

  2. Wonderful to see you back. Lovely scene, cliche or no, people do have to wake up in stories : ) makes me curious as to what Mako is.

    • It’s kind of complicated to explain what Mako is. . . It’s basically the life energy of the planet which this greedy company exploited. They used it as a power source and injected it into their elite military to make a race of superhumans. Zack was one of those superhumans. Cloud was deemed not mentally stable enough to go through with mako treatment. But the mad scientist used both Zack and Cloud as experiments for a project of his, imprisoned them for years, and injected them with large amounts of mako. Too much mako and you lose your sanity and humanity. So Cloud became this mentally unstable superhuman, basically. *nods* Well, I guess it wasn’t that complicated to explain XD Thanks for the comment \^-^/

  3. Loads of descriptives–I really like how you’ve involved several senses. I particularly like this line: “…as if he was scared she was going to slip through his fingers like everyone else in his life.”–Nice bit of character-building. It draws in the reader. 🙂

    A couple minor things jumped at me. “…she came upon the snooze button.” “came upon” seems out of place. Maybe just keep it simple–“…until she found the snooze button.”?

    And another small one: “…her warm blanket cocoon with a sigh.” Maybe it’s just me. It seems like the blanket cocoon has a sigh, or it sighed.

    Intriguing story. Ans it’s really nice to see you! 🙂

    • This short story takes place many years after Cloud loses Zack and some other dear friends, but Cloud still misses them. He’s not really a social or friendly person, but he’s fiercely loyal to those he loves. Part of it is due to the trauma and PTSD. I think traumatic experiences change us whether we want to admit it or not. I’m working on getting more meaning out of my words. Sometimes saying less is more 😛

      I think you make some good points Teresa 🙂 Yeah, now that you mention it the blanket kind of does sound like it is sighing XD And I struggled with that second line :S Ugggggh. I changed it so many times. It refuses to cooperate u_u I shall try again XD Thanks again for the comment ^^ It’s good to be back. I missed writing, blogging, and reading!

  4. Glad to see you – and this story – back! Enjoyed the excerpt, very realistic in the details, and I appreciated in your introduction to the snippet, you said he won’t ever be totally himself again, because THAT’s realism too.

    • Cloud and Tifa are both broken (Cloud more than Tifa), so they try their best at staying together, but it’s hard when they both have wounds from the past that aren’t healed and probably never will be. The idea for this was supposed to be funny, but the angst kind of seeped into it :$ But they are trying to accept the fact that their relationship is atypical, and come to terms with reality. Tifa is the sort that wants to heal everyone, but Cloud is someone she can’t fix, and she struggles with that later in this piece. Thanks for the comment 😀 I’ll probably participate every other weekend because I work every other weekend. I didn’t get to participate as much as I wanted last week because of work :$ It’s good to be back and writing again ^_^

  5. So nice to see you around again! I don’t think this is necessarily a bad way to start the story. There are so many things going on that it doesn’t seem cliche to me at all. His fear of her slipping away is poignant, and the descriptions of what the Mako is doing to him draws me into the story right away. Really nice snippet!

    • It’s nice to be writing again 🙂 I thought I would warm up by revising an old piece and then moving on to writing new material again. Yeah, cliche isn’t necessarily bad but it’s best to avoid it if you can. Love triangles are cliche but they often work so well that the reader feels immersed in the experience rather than jaded. This story was supposed to be a comedy XD There is a kind of funny twist at the very end, but Cloud and Tifa are so broken they brought their ghosts into this piece. Thanks for the comment ^^

  6. Pingback: Weekend Writing Warriors #10 | The Paper Butterfly

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