So I’m about to go through the second revision of my suicide story, and I put some thought into why I actually wrote this story. When I started writing it I actually didn’t know what I was trying to say or why I was writing it, but I have a better idea now. It has a title, I just don’t want to mention it for fear it counts as publishing. This post is about my thoughts on suicide, so if this triggers you, please don’t continue. I’ll give the synopsis of the story below for those that don’t know what it’s about. . .
It starts off with a guy named Kyle and he shoots himself in the chest. The rest of the story is told in snippets of memories interjected by delusions and reality. It’s about his spiritual quest for forgiveness after his fiancee is killed in a car crash. The reason he feels guilty is explained in the piece. He goes to heaven and then is sent to hell, but I left it ambiguous whether that was actually happening, or it was an out-of-body experience, or just a hallucination. In the end his fiancee, Emma, comes to greet him and takes him to the afterlife.
Actually a lady from CC came up with a really great idea to end the piece. Having Kyle looking down on his parents visiting his grave, which is next to Emma’s and there is a patch of dandelions growing between them. The dandelions were a symbol used earlier in the story. I had kind of thought of doing something like that earlier but I didn’t know how to do it because the whole thing is written in 3rd person limited POV and I couldn’t just switch it to 3rd person omniscient for that one snippet. It would erase some of the ambiguity that I had originally intended, but I think it might make the ending more powerful. Showing the other side might make it less of a glorification, which is was never meant to be, but I can see how readers could interpret it that way.
END OF SPOILERS
It wasn’t my intent to glorify suicide with this piece. I have struggled with suicidal ideation at more than one point in my life. I’d say the closest I got was at 13 years old when I actually had a plan. I never carried it out though. I’m a Christian and I was raised as one, so fear of Hell is what stopped me, basically. I am a self-hater and extremely self-critical. I hated myself so much at 13 years old.
We had just moved to another state because my dad got a job as a pilot with a major airline. I was 5’9″, smart, extremely shy, and had bleach blonde hair. My hair is naturally dark blonde, but my mom convinced me to dye it so she could live vicariously through me, I suppose. It was the color of Christina Aguilera’s hair, platinum blonde. I stood out when all I wanted to do was fit in. I was bullied pretty bad. I might go into it some other time. Anyway, I came home from school crying several times a week. I wrote this story perhaps as a way of exorcising some of my own demons and resolving the conflict I personally felt about suicide.
My short story is based on my experience with suicidal thoughts, and I wanted to share a different side that some people may not have considered. I should clarify that suicide can be done for selfish reasons. It’s very complex, and my experience can’t be generalized to include everyone.
In the wake of Robin William’s death there was a news anchor, Shepard Smith, that made that accusation, and he got criticized for it. Robin William’s was such a kind and generous soul, the antithesis of selfish. He’d been battling his own demons for many years, and it was probably his love of friends and family members that kept him alive for so long. Humans like to think they are unbreakable, but we aren’t. Given the right situation we can all be broken. Our response to something like that varies greatly between individuals. For some people it’s suicide.
Suicide is horrible. It’s devastating to the people left on Earth. I know because I have family and friends that had a loved one commit suicide. They will never get over it, and the guilt and sorrow will trail them like a shadow for the rest of their lives. But in the same sense, suicide releases a tormented soul from the chains that bind humanity. I don’t want to be judgmental about those that kill themselves. I don’t want to think of whether they go to heaven or hell. It’s not my call to make. I would prefer to think of it that they finally found peace regardless of the religion they practice.
I don’t encourage suicide in any way. There was a girl in one of my health forums, a beautiful soul, and she wanted to kill herself after her boyfriend broke up with her. I gave her the number to a suicide hotline, and she told me later that she called, and it got her through the night. I would like to end this post with the number of the “National Suicide Prevention Hotline,” and if you even hear of anyone mentioning suicide please give it to them. It is free and open 24 hours: 1-800-273-8255
Because my suicide story is controversial and dark, I don’t think any literary magazine will publish it, but that’s alright. I wrote it because I had a character in my head that needed to speak. His story needed to be told, and it’s not just his story, but a bit of mine as well. It’s not the most comfortable thing to talk about, especially because it’s a painful subject for so many. Romeo and Juliet glorified suicide in a way I suppose, so it’s not unheard of for published material, but it’s not something everyone wants to read. A few of my friends refused to read it because of the subject matter, and I completely understood.
I don’ t know why I write such dark things, it’s just those are the characters that speak to me. Maybe some of it is inspired by the fanfiction turmoil. Hard to say. Out of he next two pieces I want to write, one is dark and the other is dark with some fluff, both literally and metaphorically speaking as it’s a story about a PTSD soldier and an abused cat who heal each other. I’m hoping that one turns out to be more fluff than angst, but I tend to get carried away with myself when writing emotions :$
It’s okay if you disagree with me on suicide. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer on this subject. These are just my feelings about it as someone that has stood on the cusp of suicide myself. It wasn’t because I was a selfish person or that nobody loved me. It’s because the pain was more than I could bear, and it nearly consumed me. If you think about life as a series of roads and/or tunnels I started on a new path at 13 years old. There was a tunnel before me, but there was no way around it, so I had to walk through. I couldn’t see an end to the darkness, and as I made my way through it, the darkness only seemed to intensify. I had to rely on friends and family to hold my hand and guide me through until I finally saw the light. For me that was at about 14-15 years of age.
Also, I wanted to participate in Writing Weekend Warriors, but I need to finish my application for financial aid to the hospital where I had my surgery. And tomorrow, I’m going to a going- away party of one of my former ballet students. She’s starting a prestigious ballet school next year that is full-time on the other side of the country. I’m so excited that she got this opportunity ^^ So maybe next week, hopefully 😛 For those that don’t know what I’m talking about this link should explain it: http://www.wewriwa.com/